This happened awhile ago, but though I should share it with you.
So I have a habit of coming up with some outrageous ideas but never acting on them unless I’m high as a kite….but today I royally fucked up because I acted on one sober…
Everyone knows those little Nutella snack packs they advertise with the cup and sticks in it for you to dip your sticks into the Nutella and eat on the go….well the other day I was watching Training Day and the scene were Denzel is in the restaurant with all the other big players in the city chatting it up about the guy who ate peanut butter out of the crack of his ass so he could cop an insanity plea in front of the judge…
That’s when the light bulb went on….
I thought…wouldn’t it be funny to put one of those Nutella cups in the back of your pants and walk around acting like you’re digging in your ass and eating it, but it actually be Nutella?
Game on…..I put a couple of snack packs in my front seat and proceeded to drive to the local mall for some experimental fun…
The mall was pretty crowded because it was a snow day and apparently the roads were safer to drive on to the mall than they were to go to school, so I figured what the hell, the more the merrier. After entering the mall I ducked into one of the restrooms and opened the snack pack and stuffed the cup down the back of my pants so the top was poking out and pulled my sweatshirt over it so it was hidden. I was wearing a stocking cap and hadn’t shaved for a few days so no one would recognize me while walking around the mall.
My first stop was the Gamestop in the mall….the nerds were out in full force today and I figured if anyone was to get the gist of my joke it was the Internet crowd…boy was I wrong!! I had no sooner started dipping my fingers into the already warm and melted Nutella and started sucking my fingers when the store employee started making retching sounds like he was going to puke on the counter telling me to “Get the fuck out of my store before I call mall security!”
I made a hasty exit and went down to Hot Topic..surely someone there would get the joke….for awhile it worked..the place was so dark no one really seemed to notice I was eating Nutella/shit from my fingers until I went up to the register to ask about something and the emo looking guy from behind the counter said “Are you eating shit?….to which I replied..”I don’t know..am I??”….he didn’t really look that disgusted but said “I think you need to leave.”….so I did.
I thought by this time someone would have called security and Paul Blart would have shown up on his Segway to throw me to the ground, but when I was back in the mall no one really seemed to notice, especially since I now had quite a bit of melted Nutella on my lips and face….so I took it to the one place I knew I was going to get the most publicity…the food court.
Well, long story short, I got to the food court and proceeded to stand smack in the middle digging in my ass like I was pulling out the hail mary of shits, my fingers were completely covered in Nutella and I started licking my hands and fingers like there was no tomorrow…that’s when grandma lost her lunch…I think it was Sbarro but I can’t be sure but I’ve never seen a senior citizen projectile vomit like that before. Kids were screaming “EWWWW!!” and running away, moms were grabbing their kids and moving out of the court like a biohazard event had occurred…
That’s when I felt a tap on my shoulder….lo and behold Paul Blart Jr. had shown up…actually it was a skinny kid about 23 or so in a mall security uniform…he looked at me and said “Sir, you need to come with me.”…..well, busted!!
I went down to the mall security and there were two others there in addition to officer Blart…one looked at me and ask “We got reports you were going around the mall eating your own feces in front of people, is that true?”…..well, I figured now was as good a time as any to spring the prank, but for a second I wanted to reach in my ass crack and get another gob of Nutella out and say “I don’t know, what do you think?”…thank goodness I didn’t, but I reached back and pulled the cup out and showed it to the security guys…
All three just looked at each other and then busted out laughing hysterically…”Dude that is the funniest most fucked up shit I have ever seen!!” Instead of reprimanding me they started asking me questions about how people reacted, they were doubled over when I told them about grandma tossing her cookies in the food court…
After about ten minutes of laughing, they just told me to go home and don’t come back for a week or so until it blew over, they really didn’t have anything to charge me with other than indecent use of a snack product in a public place, which made them laugh even harder….
So, TIFU by thinking it would be funny to walk around the mall and eat Nutella out of my ass.
submitted by cyberslammer to tifu
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